blah!!!! so what am i really trying to say, i don't even think i know. i just know that part of me wanted this to stay secret, whatever it is. part of me wanted no one who knew me personally to ever hear this ... "stuff".
i guess i'm struggling right now, i was on this energetic high. and now i feel like i'm crashing. i'm trying to stay up, but something is fighting me...it's probably me. i'm sure it's me. ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! really i just want to scream, and scream and scream until it goes away. i'm fighting not running away, i don't want to shut down. is that what i'm doing? what am i doing? am i perpetuating this?!? ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i need a release. but what kind? where? how? where are all my lessons and realizations now when i need them most? what the fuck am i saying?!?!? i just want to go back to that state of pure love that high where nothing could take me away from what i was trying to acomplish.
i know i'm wasting time. wasting it on feeling this way, wasting it on the computer, wasting my precious time! i'm laggin on the mudane tasks, faultering from my discipline, being to hard on myself, losing balance......HELP! STOP! THIS ISN"T HELPING ANYONE! ESPECIALLY ME! and i know what i'd be saying to someone who was telling me all this. yet somehow in the moment it's a lot harder. nothing significantly bad has happened to make me feel this way....nothing. and i've been able to apply my lessons in the face of negativity and tests and LIFE. but why? WHY?! is this so flippin' hard now? why now?!!!!? i don't get it! what is this nameless nemesis?!? who are you? and then i guess the question is what part of me is this? how do i console you? how do i make u understand i don't want to feel this way? how can i talk to you when you're hiding? COME OUT!!! identify yourself! are you doubt? are you jealousy? are you neglect? are you hurt? who the fuck are you?
to be continued...
i guess i'm struggling right now, i was on this energetic high. and now i feel like i'm crashing. i'm trying to stay up, but something is fighting me...it's probably me. i'm sure it's me. ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! really i just want to scream, and scream and scream until it goes away. i'm fighting not running away, i don't want to shut down. is that what i'm doing? what am i doing? am i perpetuating this?!? ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i need a release. but what kind? where? how? where are all my lessons and realizations now when i need them most? what the fuck am i saying?!?!? i just want to go back to that state of pure love that high where nothing could take me away from what i was trying to acomplish.
i know i'm wasting time. wasting it on feeling this way, wasting it on the computer, wasting my precious time! i'm laggin on the mudane tasks, faultering from my discipline, being to hard on myself, losing balance......HELP! STOP! THIS ISN"T HELPING ANYONE! ESPECIALLY ME! and i know what i'd be saying to someone who was telling me all this. yet somehow in the moment it's a lot harder. nothing significantly bad has happened to make me feel this way....nothing. and i've been able to apply my lessons in the face of negativity and tests and LIFE. but why? WHY?! is this so flippin' hard now? why now?!!!!? i don't get it! what is this nameless nemesis?!? who are you? and then i guess the question is what part of me is this? how do i console you? how do i make u understand i don't want to feel this way? how can i talk to you when you're hiding? COME OUT!!! identify yourself! are you doubt? are you jealousy? are you neglect? are you hurt? who the fuck are you?
to be continued...
posted by:
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Los Angeles
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Re: mind babble...
Wed, March 30, 2005 - 1:50 PMdig.
what the hell are the directions coming up and in front of me. i feel like my life is about to take a monumental leap into something that is unknown....parts of myself. where am i to go? am i to switch professions sooner or later? what does all this energetic lessons lead me to? As i settle i don't know what to do but i know the answers will come but sometimes just letting out the impatient thoughts, the unnerving worries just tell you a little more about yourself and help the crazy mind let go of whatever it is. i feel empowered to step forward in a world i've been shying away from for years and years. i feel so much closer to knowing that much more about myself, but i feel that it is vital not to stray now since these realizations are so firm and broad. Their width is what confuses me because i don't know how far they go, where i'll end up. but i know that's not what it's all about, i'm not suppossed to know where i'll end up, i just must do the best i can. you must deal with this moment the best you can in order to deal with the next the best you can. Understanding your situation, having patience with yourself. Loving your inner nature and nurturing it, drawing it out, letting it grow. Accepting your talents, feelings everything. Not being afraid anymore. Not worrying about others judgements, no matter how close they are or how long you've known them. It's truly time to take time for myself and cultivate myself. Cultivate art, mind, spirit. Let go of rational thoughts that keep me in my own world, these thoughts that keep me from growing out of my self made box. I can't wait! It's scary and exciting all at once. I want to take it on, i want to be ME to the fullest. This is life, i'm at my prime, and i want to take myself on, refine until i'm purer than ever and llive and love and let go of judgement, rationalizations, and blockages. This is life and you gotta deal with it. llove it, live it, eat it up.
ya.
keep babbling people, LET IT ALL OUT, you got nothing to lose and releasing to gain....
